Privacy Policy

Has anyone actually ever read one of these?

Revision date: June 11, 2018

Apparently, we have to have one of these deals to explain how we comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations). In the spirit of the lunacy that requires such drivel to be added to our websites, we have opted to use the excellent, but somewhat sweary Privacy Policy written by the excellent dudes at Writers HQ. If swearing offends you, here's a summary:

We’re a tiny, overstretched business and we don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that we’re not evil – we’re as corruptible as anyone – we’re just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.

We collect and store the info we need to provide you with the service you buy from us. We occasionally stalk you via Facebook adverts. That’s really it.

For anyone who wants the sweary details:

COOKIES

Seriously who actually cares? Do you even know what a cookie is or does? Well then. Yes, we use cookies because that’s kinda how the Internet works. If you don’t want our delicious home-baked chocolate chip scripts, then you need to block cookies on your browser but don’t come crying to us when nothing does what it’s supposed to.

STALKY VISITOR TRACKING

Look, we’re following you, ok? We use Google Analytics, primarily to stare at the real-time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people looking at so we can deliver more of the stuff you like.

We also have the Facebook Pixel installed so that we can sell you stuff. Yes, you heard it. We are a business and – shocker – we want you to spend money with us. The Facebook Pixel means that we can see how people interact with our site and with Facebook adverts and then we try to flog you relevant stuff. If you’ve not seen the Facebook Ads analytics dashboard MAN ALIVE it’s stalker central. That shit is a terrifying Black Mirror horror show. If you’re not on Facebook – well bloody done, but the pixel is tracking you anyway.

None of these things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that we’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All we see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE BUILDING YOUR WEBSITE.

DATA STORAGE

DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. We store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?

Here on this website! If you register with the site we will store your name and email address. If you buy stuff from us we will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it to us, and purchase history. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. We obviously go to the maximum effort to keep this data secure and only two people have access to it. Only one of them ever actually looks at it and that’s to solve any technical problems you might have.

We’ll be honest: we do absolutely nothing unsurprising or radical with your info. We use your purchase history to target you with ads for stuff you might like. For e.g., if you buy one of our website packages, we might occasionally ask you if you want to get a content package or some social media marketing. Does that make us EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?

Mailchimp! If you’ve signed up for anything or bought anything on our site – newsletter, free course, paid course, membership, merch, anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to Mailchimp, which is the system we use to manage our newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button.

Zapier! This is the go-between between the website and some of our third-party services. Your name, email address and subscription information travels through this system on the way to our other systems. Your data is held in the logs. TBH it’s not the best set up and we’re looking to change it at some stage, so everything should be deleted by the end of 2018.

YOUR PAYMENT DETAILS

When you buy stuff, you will pay through Stripe. The only payment-based details we hold on our site is how much you’ve spent and the Stripe transaction ID, which we kinda need to be able to do that accounting shizzle the government wants us to do. We have no bank or card details or nada here. Stripe is GDPR compliant. That is why we use them.

EMAIL MARKETING THINGIES AND NEWSLETTERS

If you sign up for our newsletter, shock bloody horror, we will send you a newsletter! Gee, who'da thunk? Generally we'll pester you around once a month, but occasionally more if there is more interesting shit to tell you. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Mailchimp.

If you sign up for a course, we will send you emails about the course. The frequency of which depends on the course. You can unsubscribe but you’ll miss important stuff about the course.

Mailchimp automatically adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link WE KNOW. If you open an email WE KNOW. If you ignore us reminding you to be updating your website ... you guessed it, WE KNOW!

The most important thing about this is we have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.

YOUR RIGHT TO BE DELETED

If you want to go undercover, sorry, tough. We can't provide you with the service if you're anonymous. That's just how it is. Don't like it, well, see if you can get hosting elsewhere without identifying yourself.

If you cancel your subscription and want us to delete all your details, just chuck us an email at support@clinicbeat.com, and we’ll delete all the info we have on you from our systems while having a passive-aggressive huff about what we could have possibly done wrong.

This does not include Stripe information. If you want to delete your Stripe accounts you have to do that yourself via Stripe. We cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will have a hissy fit.

Just so you know, though, if we delete your details, you won’t be able to access our courses anymore. We’re not being dicks, it’s because we need your email address so we know you’ve paid and that you’re allowed to access it.

SOCIAL MEDIA AND ALL THAT BOLLOCKS

We use social media sometimes, mainly to promote our stuff, and sometimes as a vehicle for our creative swearing and political opinions. If you talk to us in our Facebook group and we become familiar with you, we might find you on Twitter and say hello. You can ask us to be less friendly if you wish and we will, of course, respect your boundaries.  

You are not required to follow our social media accounts and we won’t ask our employees to temper themselves in the service of us. If they turn out to be racist, bigoted dipshits then we wanna know so we can tell them to go to hell.

Got it? Read it? Done it? Good! Now, nick off and do something more useful than reading this drivel.

Cya

Do you have a question we haven't answered?

If you have any questions about our services, or would like to discuss your project further, we're here to help. Please don't hesitate to contact us.